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Post by Loriel on Dec 8, 2004 10:44:32 GMT -5
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
A: She wanted to channel.
Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.
A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.
Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items
Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.
Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.
If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 10:50:03 GMT -5
((Following humor taken from elsewhere...I DID NOT COME UP WITH THESE!)) 10 Ways to Know you are dealing with a Wannabe 10. "I learned how to make a stoplight change!" 9. "Can you teach me how to make a rain cloud come around?" 8. "Well, I saw this really cool Ricky Lake show..." 7. "I'm a natural witch!" 6. "What do you mean that I'm not in ceremonial clothing?" 5. "You mean that you don't have a familiar?" 4. "I studied the Necronomicon. It was pretty cool, sitting right there in Waldenbooks. I just had to summon Cthulu!" 3. "I sometimes hear voices in my head... They tell me that the Goddess is watching me and that my parents are the freaks." 2. "I'm an expert in the field of..." and the #1 way to tell it's a wannabe- 1. "I'm a warlock." |
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 10:51:22 GMT -5
How to Annoy Wiccans Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad. Rearrange their altar. Clean their "tools." If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game... Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" Throw water on them and expect them to melt. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ. Take them to a Catholic Mass. Turn their pentagrams upside down. Recite good poetry during ritual. Cast that circle counter-clockwise. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!" When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts... Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three. Men - wear amber and jet. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists... Put fire wood around the maypole. |
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 10:56:09 GMT -5
HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks
EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week
HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?
EAST>>Yes, sorry
HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?
WEST>> Present
EAST>> Ready
SOUTH>>Roger
INITIATE>> I am ready
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> North?
>~~(1minute pause)~~
HP>>NORTH??
NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot
HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?
INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow
HP>>Pillow?
INITIATE>>Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad
HPS>>Good, now do you have the cord?
INITIATE>> Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?
HP>>It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck...
INITIATE>>Ummm.... I can't do that by myself..
HPS>>Do you have anyone there to help you?
INITIATE>>Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here
HP>>OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?
INITIATE>>Yes, I do
HPS>>OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes
INITIATE>>OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me?
HP>>Do you have an alarm clock?
INITIATE>>Yes, but it's in my room
HP>>Can you go get it?
INITIATE>>Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room
HPS>>Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240
INITIATE>>OK
>~~(4 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Initiate?
>~~(1minute pause)
HP>>INITIATE??
HPS>>Maybe he got disconnected?
INITIATE>>I am here-- are you ready for me?
HPS>>Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?
INITIATE>>Sword?
HP>>Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way
INITIATE>>I don't have a sword..
HP>>Do you have an athame?
INITIATE>>no..
HP>>Do you have anything sharp in there?
INITIATE>>There's a pen on the desk..
HP>>Ok, point the pen at your heart
INITIATE>>OK
HP>>How do you enter this circle?
INITIATE>>In perfect love and perfect trust
HPS>>Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you
INITIATE>>whisper?
HPS>>Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them
INITIATE>>No, only one
HPS>>Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB
HPS has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS has joined the chat room**
HPS>>Ok, I mailed them
INITIATE>>OK, I'll go look
INITIATE has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
INITIATE has joined the chatroom**
INITIATE>>I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down
HPS>>OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle
INITIATE>>from behind?
HPS>>Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle
INITIATE>>Ok
HPS>>Now we are going to go around the circle three times.
INITIATE>>OK
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>>Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge
INITIATE>>OK
HP>>You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you
INITIATE>>Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?
HP>>Can you kneel and still see the screen?
HPS>>If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor
HP>>Well, I guess he can't kneel then
HPS>>Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you
INITIATE>>OK
HPS>>I am now scourging you
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
HPS>>Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times
>~~(1 minute pause)
HPS>>Initiate?
HP>>INITIATE???
INITiATE>> I am here, now what do I need to do?
HP>>You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess
WEST>>I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed
HP>>Can you feed him at the computer?
WEST>>Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?
>~~( 1 minute pause)~~
WEST>>I really need to go-- the baby is crying
HP>>NORTH??
>NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot
HP>>Can you cut West a door? NOW?
NORTH>>OK, all set
WEST has left the chatroom**
HPS>> Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?
SOUTH>>I think we should continue
EAST>>We should wait
WEST has joined the chatroom**
WEST>>I am back, North can you cut me back in?
>~~( 1minute pause)~~
HP>>NORTH!!!
NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set
HP>>Ok, where were we?
HPS>>The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is plying the scourge
INITIATE>>Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess
>~~( 2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>>I am done
HP>>Priestess?
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>>I need to go right now
HP>>Why? We are not finished here
HPS>> I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches
HPS has left the chatroom**
HP>>OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead
INITIATE>>I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing
INITIATE has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night
**Chatroom closed**
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 10:58:05 GMT -5
ReCon Vs. NeoPagan
Reconstructionist: You know ancient pagans probably wouldn't have consistently stopped and picked up every piece of liter they see on the road.
Neo-Pagan: They wouldn't have to.
Reconstructionist: Why not?
Neo-Pagan: There wasn't any litter in ancient times.
Reconstructionist: How do you know that?
Neo-Pagan: In the ancient days when everyone was pagan, no one would litter because they all loved the goddess.
Reconstructionist: Where did you get that idea?
Neo-Pagan: Scott Cunningham said so.
Reconstructionist: How does he know what the ancients did or didn't do all the time?
Neo-Pagan: He has an ancient Wiccan lineage which has told him of the old ways.
Reconstructionist: How can a fifty year old religion have an ancient lineage to a time when it didn't exist?
Neo-Pagan: You're just trying to persecute me because you don't love the goddess.
Reconstructionist: What goddess?
Neo-Pagan: ! The Goddess!! You heathen.
Reconstructionist: Yes, I am a heathen, but still, there was litter and graffitii in Rome.
Neo-Pagan: We all come from the goddess
Reconstructionist: What, which goddess do you mean?
Neo-Pagan: And to her we shall return
Reconstructionist: Which ancient peoples believed that?
Neo-Pagan: All of them
Reconstructionist: What's your source?
Neo-Pagan: Silver Ravenwolf
Reconstructionist: Where did she get her degree?
Neo-Pagan: Lord Serphant Stone
Reconstructionist: Is that a private college? Is it accredited? Who sits on their ancients faculty?
Neo-Pagan: No, you need to love the goddess, stop persecuting me. You're such a christian.
Reconstructionist: No, I'm a heathen. what sources are listed in Prof. Ravenwolf's bibliography.
Neo-Pagan: Mama Silver learned from spirit.
Reconstructionist: Which spirit? do you mean her personal genius?
Neo-Pagan: She is a genius when it comes to spells and witch books
Reconstructionist: What? Who? Witchcraft like Thessaly, or like Aradia, or like Seithcraft?
Neo-Pagan: Like the goddess?
Reconstructionist: Which goddess?
Neo-Pagan: THE GODDESS!
Reconstructionist: What myth does she appear in?
Neo-Pagan: All of them.
Reconstructionist: What is your source?
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 10:59:21 GMT -5
Spirit: Goddess' phone, Spirit of the Goddess Speaking...
Newager: Um Hi! I just did a Ritual last night, but well, my car fell apart and my boss fired me and I just got audited by the IRS. Im sure thats not what I asked for in Ritual Last night! You wanna explain all this!?
Spirit: Well, you asked for "Whatever Spirit wanted for my growth and potential." Well, I decided to give you some growth potential.
Newager: Well, couldnt you have rather given me the magick lotto numbers! I mean this isnt exactly comfortable!
Spirit: Hmmmmm lottery....OH wait here it is!! Yeah we gave the 25 Million to the Satanist this month! A really cool guy! He even said' thanks! Well, To "Satan"or "Set" but hey, its all the same universe! Now thats what I call naming it and claiming it!!
Newager: WHAT!!?! How could you !? A SATANIST!?! They are evil people!! I mean like they are against everything "good"! Spirit, thats not fair!! *whine*
Spritit: Hey this guy was very specific in his ritual. He asked to get the lottery numbers right, he followed his instincts on the numbers and went out and actually *bought* the ticket, I mean he DID participate and follow the rules. Besides, he has a life and a family too, you think you whitelight guys are the only ones who have lives?! Sheesh!! You didnt even bother to go out and buy a ticket! IF you had you would have split the prize money with him! See what happens when you dont participate!?
Newager: I dont get it!
Sprit: Yah! No kidding!!!! *laugh*
Newager: I mean I follow every rule of the 'enlightened' and fulfilled people before me in order to be abundant and do it 'right' and You keep throwing this stuff in my way! And now some Satanist wins what I affirmed should have been mine! This is so confusing!!!
Spirit: Whats so confusing: You a No buy da ticket, you a no picka up a da lottery! You savvy!?!
Newager: Well thanks for nothing!!
Spirit: but you got your potential for your growth!!! Come on!!
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:00:31 GMT -5
This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sightseers of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:01:25 GMT -5
1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:04:16 GMT -5
*How many Druids does it take to srcew in a light bulb?
Druids don't srcew in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
*How many Druids does it take to srcew in a light bulb?
Thirteen. One to hold the light bulb, and twelve to drink until the world spins.
* How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
2) (In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?"
* How many Alexandrines does it take to change a light bulb?
They will wait to watch how the Gardnerians do it to perform in the same way.
* How many Brit Trad Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
* How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 93.
2) None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
3) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark. stare at them as you
wait for them to grasp the obvious)
* How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our
complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course"
with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere!
Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
* How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
* How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice! :}
* How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better
the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second
Druid's song.
* How many Shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark.
* How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...
* How many Ceremonial Magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
(I know one of these; it's true!)
2) Only one, but he has to do it on the 3rd friday of a month
when the Moon is in Taurus and it's the fifth planetary hour...
and it's *not* funny
* How many Druid's does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
* How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
* How many Astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
* How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs
never burned out before those Christians came along.
* How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
* How many Asatruar does it take to change a light bulb?
R1: Nine - one to hold the bulb, and eight to drink until the room spins. (thanks to Ann Sheffield)
R2: None, there is plenty of light coming from the burning monestary (Thanks Krei)
R3: None, The Light of the burning churches gives light enough... (thanks Bjor��
* How many Macumba (brazilian counterpart of vodoo) practicioners does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one babalorisha (priest) just to yell that the lighbulb is burned and a Yawo (novice) to change the bulb... (thanks to Sandra Ruy Oyakilewasy)
Q: How many Theosophists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. By the time they finish discussing whether the lightbulb needs
changing, the proper method in which to change the lightbulb, how it might
have been done historically, and how everybody else changes lightbulbs,
it's already daylight. (Thanks to BL)
B: None. It was the karma of the bulb (and perhaps the lamp) to burn out.
In time it will replace itself, perhaps with a higher but never with a lower
wattage bulb.
* how many freemasons, and specially how much time does it take to change a lightbulb?
R1: Can't tell.. they still use candlelight!
R2: It takes 9. 1 to actually do the job, the others to give comment
- one of the nine being the secretary making minutes of it...
R1 and R2 - Thanks to Dutchross .'.
R3: Sorry Aprentice, that's a 33 Degree secret...
R3 by Medhal
R4: After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:05:07 GMT -5
* How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
* How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
* How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II
* How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
* How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
* How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb,
one to install, and two engineers to check the work.
* How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
* How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.
* How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
* How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.
* How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
* How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:07:39 GMT -5
I'd have to say I'd like to have some of these stickers....
Sad...but true....and hilarious
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:09:30 GMT -5
Ten Ways to Piss off a Pagan 1.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. 2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat. 3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!) 4.Pick up their gems for a closer look. 5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife. 6.Witness to them about the "true religion". 7.Untie the knots in their cord. 8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look. 9.Play card games with their Tarot cards. 10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. |
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Post by Kirree on Dec 18, 2004 11:11:00 GMT -5
Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three.
One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
Q: HOW MANY NEOPAGANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Six.
One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before Christians came along.
More lightbulb jokes:
how many
..rednecks?
-three. One to screw it in, and two to hear him brag about the screwing part.
...orthodox rabbis?
-eleven! one to screw in the new one, ten to say kaddish for the old one...
... Irish drunks?
-two, one to hold the bulb, second to drink till the room is spinning around the bulb.
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Post by Loriel on Jan 6, 2005 18:14:52 GMT -5
XDDD those are great!!!!!
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Post by Kirree on Feb 6, 2005 10:19:47 GMT -5
Yea I liked them XP
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